The Rude Awakening
Ouzilly, France
Monday, August 27, 2007 ------------------------- - Our interview with God: The big man's breaking heart
and our surefire solution, - No arms and no legs? No problem!
- Dr. Friedman and Mr. Bonner: A case of not-so-
mistaken identity, and plenty more…
------------------------- Kiwi Joel, reporting from a secret location… Please accept my sincere apologies for the late arrival of your Rude Awakening this morning, dear readers. I've been unable to track down your managing editor, Aussie Joel. He was last seen somewhere in Istanbul, Turkey. No matter though. His absence from the Rude helm gives us our long-awaited chance to present a side of the Rude Awakening that is rarely seen these days…a simpler, more earnest side. For years now, Agora's founder and president, Bill Bonner, has been poking fun at one of the great economists of our time, Thomas L. Friedman. Mr. Bonner has been employing a sardonic arsenal of wit and cynicism to combat Mr. Friedman's position. While Mr. Bonner's Daily Reckonings may hold some comedic value, they fail to address the real issues that we, as a world people, face today: Global warming, transgender issues and, of course, nihilism. It must be said, before proceeding, that your usual Rude editors would never dream of printing the following column. They assert that Mr. Friedman is nothing more than a hackneyed journalist with a flare for reducing complex economic issues down to easily digestible columns for anyone too lazy to pick up a book. But we are nothing if we are not fair. In today's Rude Awakening, I, Kiwi Joel, am glad to present the other side of the equation. Read on as Thomas L. Friedman, New York Times columnist, has his say… --- Wealth Insurance: Investing in Zero-Downside Gold --- Introducing a revolutionary investment… A "WEALTH INSURANCE" POLICY with a potential 201% upside in two years… and zero downside With the stock market gyrating wildly in recent days, wouldn't you like the security of an investment guaranteed to never lose money… while giving you the ability to cash in on a gold price that could reach $2000? I'm so confident about gold tripling in price and protecting your hard-earned wealth, I'll even make a triple-your-money guarantee… (But you have only until September 11, 2007 to act… or this "wealth insurance" may never be offered again.) Read On Here. --------------------------------------------------------- A Better World Than God Made
By Thomas L. Friedman I'm truly delighted that Bill Bonner has offered me this opportunity to speak up for myself by writing down my ideas. He's been criticizing me for many years. Let me begin by making one thing crystal clear. This is no time for idle thinking and gratuitous irony. The Daily Reckoning may be entertaining, but it is not helpful, not when we have millions of nihilistic religious fanatics trying to destroy our way of life. No, this is a time for action! That's why my books are read by millions, while Bill Bonner's barely make the remainder bins. And yes, I know that I sometimes over-simplify issues. And yes, I have a tendency to earnestness. But at least I am sincerely earnest, unlike Bonner, who is insincerely cynical. Yesterday, I had a chance to visit a hospital in Basra. There was a young Iraqi who had just been injured by a nihilistic suicide bomber. He is only one of many, many thousands who have had to pay the price for trying to transform Iraq into a peaceful, prosperous nation. As he lay there on his bed, I was struck by the courage of this valiant voter. "We have to do whatever it takes to build a pluralistic, democratic society," he told me. "We want to be a part of the new globalized, digitized, equal-opportunity world, even if we have to kill all the Sunnis to do it." The young man has no arms or legs. But at least he has his dignity. And he has the vital knowledge that he is doing something important. He is standing up to his nihilistic enemies. He is helping to build a better world. As I left, I went to shake hands with him. Oops…but you know what I think? Losing a few arms and legs is a small price to pay for standing up to nihilism in the Middle East. I say we should give a big hand to all these young men, women and transsexuals who are nurturing democracy all over the world. And you know what else I think? Any person - man or woman - who would blow himself up is bad. He is standing in the way of progress, which is good. I mean it is bad that he is blocking the road to progress, which is a good thing. I mean progress is a good thing and it is bad that he is blocking the road to it. Until he blows himself up. And then he's not standing in the way anymore. He's not standing at all. To the contrary, he's lying in little pieces…spread all over the place. But, he's still blocking the road to progress. Because if there is one thing I know for sure, it's that no one wants to go on a road where people blow themselves up. How can we hope to make progress towards a more caring, gender-tolerant, climate controlled world when these freedom-hating suicide bombers are always splattering us? We need to show these self-hating, nihilists that we will not back down. That is the challenge we face: Either we back down in the face of opposition from these nihilistic zealots…or we prove to them that we are just as fanatical as they are…in the pursuit of a modern, market-driven, democracy of course. And if they continue blocking the road to progress, we have to blow them out of the way. You know what is the real source of the problem in the Middle East? Oil. Yes, oil. If good Americans would stop using so much imported oil it would be good for everyone. Oil prices would fall. Almost all the world's evil can be traced to high oil prices. If the price of oil were reduced, evil governments in the Middle East would have to reform. It's that simple. And if people stopped using so much oil, we could save the planet from climate change, too. I'm not kidding. This could be a problem even more serious than the exploding nihilists. If we don't cut back our use of oil, the planet will be cooked and even the good people will be baked in the pie. That's why it's vital that good people pull together instead of hang separately on this issue. Less oil use would mean lower prices…which would mean reform in the Middle East…which would mean it would be cheaper to drive our cars…which would mean we would drive more…which would mean we could use more
oil…which would mean…wait a minute…oh never mind. That's why it's so important to keep things simple. It's the only way to a better world. The day before yesterday, the president of India told me how people in that country are helping to make the world a much, much better place. They're enrolling in gender-neutral computer skills courses. Then, after a few weeks of training, in a nice pink school where Beharis and Untouchables sit down next to Sikhs and Mohammedans, without killing each other or singing, they are able to take their place in the modern, forward-looking world. And then they can all take jobs away from Lutherans and Episcopalians back in America. You see, it really is a Flat World, just like I've been saying. And thank god we have the U.S. Army to iron out any wrinkles…like those in Iraq. And thank god the rest of the world's people are not like those nihilistic Iraqis. Now it is clear what went wrong in Iraq. I urged the United States to invade Iraq for a very simple reason: Iraq was run by a bad man. It was very important to eliminate the bad man and replace him with a good person. Maybe even a woman. Or a transgender person. But two things prevented this plan from the success it should have had. First, the Bush administration refused to follow my suggestions. I repeatedly said that we needed a troop surge in Iraq three years ago. And we needed to spend a lot more money. Not just billions of dollars per day. But trillions per day, if that's what it took. You can't expect to build democracy on the cheap. No, democracy is precious. It is what makes us the peaceful, rich nation we are today. Isn't that worth spending a few trillions to protect? I know what nihilistic defeatists will say: We don't have that kind of money. 'It will bankrupt us,' they say. But I say bankruptcy is a small price to pay for prosperity. But now, it is probably too late. Second, most Iraqis have failed to respond to the opportunity America and Britain have given them. It makes me wonder, frankly, whether they are worth trying to help. Maybe they're not good people, after all. But I think this whole situation can be simplified. One thing I think the U.S. should do right away is create a national commission to separate the good from the bad. Let's face it, it all boils down to this: There are good people on this earth and there are bad people. When things don't work out it is always because of some bad people, isn't it? Nihilists. Well, why not tackle the problem at its heart…dig up the roots and we will pop the bubble in evil that has taken over so much of the Middle East…and bedeviled the planet ever since Adam. We should make this a national priority; I would call it the Manhattan Project on Good or Evil. This new commission would be composed of leading thinkers from every field - Science, Industry, Government and Gender-Studies. It would simply make a list of the world's people, dividing them into Good People and Bad People. Then, we could tell at a glance whether something was Good or Bad. If a person ran for President of the US, for example, we could just look on the list and see if he was a Good Person or a Bad Person before casting our votes. And when dealing with foreign heads of state, think how much easier it would be if we had a list and could tell if they were a force for good or a force for evil! And in the US, good people could wear white while bad people would have to wear black. That way, you could tell immediately whether the man your daughter brought home should be encouraged…or strangled in the basement. And the polling places could simply cancel out the votes of anyone dressed in black. Last week, I had a brief conversation with God. I told him of my plan for the new national project. "It breaks my heart," he said, "when I see people doing bad things. I wish they would only do good things, like drive hybrid cars and hire quadriplegics. But sometimes even I can't tell where the good stops and the bad starts. Often I don't know whom to punish with plagues and pestilence, and whom to bless with the grace of Heaven. Your new project would definitely be a help to me. Yes, I think you are on the road to creating even a better world than I can imagine." There, see how simple things can be? [Joel's Note: Mr. Friedman's…er, I mean, Mr. Bonner's new book, Mobs, Messiahs and Markets, was released for preorder last week. It promptly assumed its place in the remainder bin…if that is what one calls the #1 position on Amazon's business bestseller list. If you wish to order a copy for yourself, you can do so right here. Mobs, Messiahs and Markets: Surviving the Public Spectacle in Finance and Politics --- Resource Trader Alert Special Announcement --- Get Ready to Take Profits in as Little as 2 Days… Unlock the Market's "Secret Logic" That Could Double Every Dollar Invested Before the End of 2007. Learn How Right Here. -------------------------------------------------- Rude Endnote: While Aussie Joel may appreciate your responses to columns published in these pages, I see them as largely irrelevant. We've been in touch with God, after all. What could you possibly have to say? Ciao, Kiwi Joel
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